Global Maccas - They Don't Just Sell Shit in Australia

Have you ever experienced one of those times when you were on your holidays somewhere overseas and the only source of local food seemed to be chili flavoured milkshakes or deep fried baby birds, feathers included? When it looked like your only option was going to be to starve to death - which was preferable to having to chug down some yoghurt Pepsi - until you suddenly look up to see the gastronomical savior that was the Golden Arches?

If it were any other time in your life (read: back on Australian soil), Maccas’ job would be to simply serve as the stop between complete maggot drunk and clinging to the porcelain for dear life, no doubt reintroducing yourself to that Big Mac you ate about 30 minutes ago. When you’re in a strange country on the other hand, it can sometimes be the only place you feel safe enough to get a feed. But can you always rely on McDonalds to serve you up some familiar cuisine in a foreign land? Uh, not so much….

THE McGRATIN COQUETTE
COUNTRY
Japan

THE MAN MADE SIN
If I said to you the words deep fried macaroni, shrimp and mashed potatoes, you’d likely be thinking to yourself “Mmmmm, sounds like three individually delicious snacks”, and you would be correct. So how about we take those three yummy foods, blend into one and call it a burger?

Is it just me or does that sauce look like the black stuff that oozed out of Gary Oldman's head in The Fifth Element?

WTF IS IT?
That is the Japanese equivalent of food. Oh yeah, and there’s also some cabbage involved.

POSSIBLE IMPROVEMENTS
There’s probably too much train wreck going on here to correct but coming from the land of crazy, let’s be grateful that it’s not looking at us while we’re eating it.

THE McLOBSTER
COUNTRY
Canada

THE MAN MADE SIN
Let me introduce you….

At least the fries look tasty....

WTF IS IT?
Do you recall that example I used earlier about chucking up your Big Mac after a night out on the tiles? This is basically the burger version of your vomit.

POSSIBLE IMPROVEMENTS
How about we continue to believe that only delicious things come out of Canada, like maple syrup and Ryan Reynolds?

RICE BURGER “BUNS”
COUNTRY
The Philippines

THE MAN MADE SIN
Do you know what would be worse than trying to chew your way through that rubbery “seafood” abomination from Canada? How about trying to digest some gelatinous replacement burger bun on an empty 12-hour-flight stomach whilst weary from jet lag?

Even the illustrated version designed to look appetising is failing badly.

WTF IS IT?
A rice bun held together by what appears to be Clag glue.

POSSIBLE IMPROVEMENTS
Might I suggest introducing The Philippines to the world of baked goods?

THE HULABURGER
COUNTRY
United States of America

THE MAN MADE SIN
One of the best parts of an Aussie burger is the beautifully grilled pineapple sitting atop your beef pattie, amiright? Well how about we take away that juicy, juicy meat to leave you with just a pineapple slice and melted cheese? Doesn’t sound that bad right? Maybe, until you see what it looks like….

That's supposed to be fucking pineapple?!?!?!

WTF IS IT?
That disgrace right there was the genius idea of Ray Krok, founder of McDonalds, so that his Catholic customers would have something to eat on meat free Fridays. I hope they realised they were still committing a sin when they did so.

THE PROSPERITY BURGER
COUNTRY
Malaysia

THE MAN MADE SIN
By all accounts it certainly sounds delicious but Christ does it look like shit….

Are you sure this isn't an anti-smoking ad?

WTF IS IT?
While it appears to be something a 70 year old, 3-pack-a-day smoking granny would cough up on her death bed, it’s actually just a beef pattie covered in black pepper sauce.

POSSIBLE IMPROVEMENTS
Perhaps do as the Australians do by adding lettuce to it to distract from the visual horror.

THE McLAKS
COUNTRY
Norway

THE MAN MADE SIN
Lots of people get queasy at the thought of eating a Filet-O-Fish, so how do you think they would react to Norway’s McLaks burger?

This photo was taken just before he threw it in the nearest bin.

WTF IS IT?
If you guessed salmon, you were horrifyingly correct.

POSSIBLE IMPROVEMENTS
Keep the delicate nuanced flavours of a salmon filet to the confines of fancy restaraunts.



THE CROQUE McDO
COUNTRY
Belgium

THE MAN MADE SIN
If the world of Salvador Dali came to life, this is what the McDonalds breakfast menu would look like….

I swear it just spoke to me.

WTF IS IT?
Apparently this delight consists of two slices of Emmental cheese melted over a rather thick slice of ham. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume “Emmental” means “bull jizz”.

POSSIBLE IMPROVEMENTS
It’s only saving grace being it’s cute name, I’d suggest go the same route as Malaysia by throwing some greenery on it.

THE BURGERMEISTER
COUNTRY
Australia

THE MAN MADE SIN
As a sign of good will to the other countries on the list, and to show that shitty fast food is a universal language, we Aussies went and produced The Burgermeister....

This is in fact a replacement burger picture. Judging by my fruitless Google image search, I'll assume the Burgermeister was so foul that they have destroyed any pictorial evidence that it ever existed.

WTF IS IT?
That would be deep fried crumbed pork paired with dry coleslaw and the ominous sounding “creamy sauce”. Dear god.

POSSIBLE IMPROVEMENTS
Thankfully, this nightmare-in-burger-form no longer shows its face on the Australian McDonalds menu, but give it time and I’m sure they’ll come up with some piece of shit to rival everything on this list.