From the time we evolved into hunter/gatherers, humans have loved to collect. Some people, namely those with shit loads of money, amass huge extravagant collections us poor folk can only dream of owning. There are sheiks in the Middle East with whole warehouses full of rare cars, including gold plated Hummers and the Bat Mobile prototype, or wealthy New Yorkers that get a kick out of collecting multi-million dollar abstract art that could almost pass as something a blind kid painted in the half an hour between story time and afternoon nap.
The average person on the average wage, however, must be content with cheap collecting hobbies such as McDonald Happy Meal toys and that plastic crap you get in Kinder Surprises. But just because a collection is affordable doesn’t mean it necessarily has to be shite. Board games, for example, are a universal pastime and one that can produce some rather obscure variations around the world.
Cheerleading EditionI’M SORRY – WHAT?
If you have ever seen Kirsten Dunst battle it out for school squad supremacy in “Bring It On”, or witnessed one of the numerous plastic-titted bimbos that regularly appear as participants on shows like The Bachelor, you may have come to realise that along with supersized junk food, gas guzzling tank/car hybrids and the general bastardisation of the English language, Americans are also really,
really into cheerleading. So it makes sense that in 2008 the Monopoly Cheerleading Edition was unleashed into the world.
Not pictured: Adolescent daddy issues and drunken blow jobs motivated by low self esteem.
According to the official release statement, “the world’s most exciting sport has just teamed up with the world’s most popular board game”. Forget soccer, rugby, snowboarding, gridiron, baseball, basketball, surfing, downhill skiing, hunting humans as game or even golf - turns out a bunch of jail baiting, all American teenagers doing fruity dance routines to tranced up Britney songs while holding oversized pom poms and jiggling in an inappropriately underage manner equals the sport of danger and adrenalin.
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The point of Cheerleading Monopoly is to end up as the owner of the ultimate competitive cheerleading empire through the buying, selling and trading of some of the most prestigious cheerleading competitions from around the United States. What constitutes a prestigious cheerleading competition is undefined, but I can only assume it features a combination of Moet, polo ponies and gold threaded ra-ra skirts.
SPECIAL FEATURES
Instead of properties, players can collect real companies in the cheerleading world, including American Cheer & Dance Company and Inside Cheerleading Magazine. In place of houses and hotels, you can destroy your competitors with gymnasiums and convention centres.
Oh, and if the fact that cheerleading used as a basis for a Monopoly edition wasn’t American enough, it also has it’s own FaceBook page….
How many of Cheerleading Monopoly’s friends do you think are over the age of sixteen?
Earthopoly
I’M SORRY – WHAT?
Not sure what to buy that stinking hippie friend of yours for Christmas? Despondent over the fact that you can’t just palm them off with the bottle of five dollar wine or box of generic chocolates you would give to all the other friends you feel obligated to buy gifts for over the silly season? Well, it turns out some equally stinking hippies went out and invented the kind of gift that not only makes your earth hugging friend glow with smug contentment once unwrapped, but also makes the rest of us want to punch them in the face for murdering even the most simplest of childhood pastimes with their consumer directed guilt.
This version tears up your tradition Monopoly board, eats it for breakfast, washes it down with soy milk, shits it out eight hours later and then uses it as manure on the organic veggie patch in the back yard.
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After reading the creator's description that, “Earthopoly is a game celebrating Earth, one turn at a time! Players become the caretakers of wondrous locations around the planet, then increase their property value by collecting Carbon Credits and trading them in for Clean Air”, I was
this close to being driven to murder a sea turtle with a plastic shopping bag.
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In keeping with the earth friendly motif, the game board and its components are made entirely from natural or reclaimed materials, including recycled papers, vegetable oil-based inks, reusable cloth, animal byproducts, eco friendly water-based coatings and compostable materials.
The Earthopoly game board, both before it was made and after you have thrown it out.
If the whole concept of a tree hugging game board wasn’t patronising enough, the traditional game tokens have also been greened up; instead of the Scotty dog and pals, you can now play with tokens “made by nature”, such as a lima bean purchased through a local grocer, a piece of crystal from Arkansas, a black wood pyramid made from the 20 year old fallen tree in the yard of the creator’s neighbors, a shell gathered by island locals and a stone known as Carnelian from Botswana. If you happen to lose any of your tokens throughout the years, alternatives may be fashioned from a stray coin you found inside the couch, a toothpick you once used to remove a piece of movie popcorn or the lint you extracted from your unwashed belly button.
Pink Edition
I’M SORRY – WHAT?
In this day and age it can be hard for a young girl on the cusp of adolescence. On one hand you have parents who desperately want to keep you innocent, childlike and STD free, on the other hand you have role models in the form of skanky crab farms like Paris Hilton, shops that sell t-shirts with slogans like “hot slut” emblazoned across them and the general consensus that by the age of twelve you should be either sexually active or at least appear that you are. And while video games and iPhone applications might take up most of your time and money, at least you have a good old fashioned board game to fall back on in those times where you just want to be a kid, right….?
Prepare to lose your innocence, board game style!
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The Monopoly Pink Edition takes away all those stuffy old industries like electric and gas, and replaces them with fun activities the modern young lady loves, such as fashion boutiques, shopping malls and hair salons. Why begrudge yourself with the traditional boring game play when instead you can go on shopping sprees, pay mobile phone bills or receive a text message every time your turn rolls around.
Just a regular Saturday night slumber party, complete with a fun game of Monopoly before practicing your kissing technique on your girl friends.
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Firstly, the entire game and all of its parts look like a cute little Care Bear took a pink shit all over it – there are pink title deeds cards, pink translucent properties, a pink game board, a pair of pink dice and it all comes presented in a pink keepsake box in the shape of a jewelry case.
The game tokens now feature, among other girly items, a pair of sunglasses, a hairdryer and a handbag. If you want the full anti-feminism experience, feel free to play it in your sexiest underwear while discussing the hardship of Math class and why boys are only mean because they deep down actually love you.
Hold’Em-Opoly
I’M SORRY – WHAT?
Most of us have been playing the traditional Monopoly since we were kids, and there are only so many times you can drag the damn thing out every time there is a thunder storm blackout or a drunken Yuletide family get together before the challenge starts to dissipate and you find yourself looking for more grown up alternatives in order to get your board game thrills.
The rise of Texas Hold’Em and other forms of Poker over the last few years just goes to show that no matter how grown up we get, we deep down still love to beat some arse hole in a game based showdown. But why sacrifice your childhood memories of having your stock broker Uncle kick your arse every time Monopoly was on the table when you can just as easily combine the game with your new found adult entertainment?
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As if learning the rules of Poker weren’t already complicated enough, some prick went ahead and combined the skill and luck of Monopoly and Poker. Players wager in an actual Hold'Em setting and risk their chips as well as their property cards. You can either put your best hand forward or use your bluffing skills - no doubt honed through years of drunken chat ups and locker room bragging - to make your way around the board.
SPECIAL FEATURES
The traditional top hat has turned into a baseball cap, which is joined by other Poker related tokens such as the ever important sunglasses, the chip stack and the lucky horseshoe. And instead of bankrupting your competitors by taking all their cash when they land on your properties, you now just rape them of all their hard earned chips. I wonder if the options to take out a second mortgage or to borrow money from a dodgy loan shark are part of the game’s features.
This guy just bet, and lost, his two kids to a game of Monopoly.
Lighthouse-opoly
I’M SORRY – WHAT?
Sometimes obscure can mean exciting and interesting. Other times, as Lighthouse-opoly so deftly demonstrates, obscure can also mean completely and utterly boring.
This is your brain’s reaction to the most tedious board game of all time.
If you know one of those people who spend their weekends alphabetically organising their unplayed vinyl collections, tending to their model railway gardens or sorting their socks into ascending order of most versatile, you ought to give them this pile of boredom for their next birthday – playing it may be the least exciting thing they do all year…..
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I must give props to the creators of this game based interpretation of a two hour phone conversation with your grandparents because they really do try to make it sound as exciting as possible on their website, but there is no way that buying famous sentinels from across America’s coasts, while acquiring keeper’s cottages and trading them in for lighthouses results in anything more than excessive caffeine consumption just to get through the fucking thing.
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While the quirky, Tim Burton-esque board is actually kind of cool, the fact that the game’s unique selling points are the challenge of avoiding restoration fees and the risk of losing a few turns for failed inspections makes me want to grab the inventor of this piece of crap by the scruff of their beige coloured turtleneck sweater so I can spit in their face. The added insult of each deed pack containing “fun facts about each lighthouse” just enrages me to the point that I suddenly find the original Monopoly not so insufferable after all.
Did you know that Michigan’s Old Presque Isle Light is haunted? Do you even give a shit?
Ghettopoly
I’M SORRY – WHAT?
Do you know what is really missing from the traditional game of Monopoly? Good old fashioned racial stereotypes. And while I’m sure old Uncle Pennybags was probably a white Southern bigot in his heyday, the tension and drama of modern racism has never been fully exploited via a family friendly board game before. Until now that is.
If this one isn’t offensive enough for your tastes, Chinkopoly is also available.
Ghettopoly was put up for sale in 2003 through the American clothing store Urban Outfitters. Not surprisingly, a few groups – including the NAACP and the black clergymen nationwide - were offended by the fact that the game put the black American image in a bad light. The threat of a boycott campaign convinced Urban Outfitters to pull the game from their stores, prompting KKK members from that day onwards to source their rainy day entertainment from within the deep recesses of eBay and other online retailers.
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The game is played much the same was as the regular Monopoly, with the four railways replaced by liquor stores and the other properties switched to ghetto fabulous locations such as a massage parlor, a peep show and a pawn shop. The Community Chest and Chance cards have been turned into Hustle and Ghetto Stash cards, which feature such gems as, “You have been elected Pimp of the Year. Pay each playa $50.”
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The tacky transformation wouldn’t be complete without suitable replacement game tokens. After all, a swanky top hat and pampered lap dog might look a bit out of place amongst the drug dens and graffiti walls. Instead, “playas” can choose from a pimp, a prostitute, a bottle of booze, a machine gun, a basketball, a marijuana leaf and a crack rock.
To fully appreciate the ghetto experience, make sure you have a couple of fine ladies like these two on each arm before you sit down to play.
Taxation squares are replaced with police shakedowns and carjackings. And who needs houses and hotels when you can aspire to build crack houses and projects? This game is the very definition of classy…..
Prepare for gum rape.
Like a Fijian holiday for your mouth.
Kicks a Boost Juice’s arse any day of the week.
All the fun of a carnival, without the scary clowns or sleezey carnies.
These are the flavours people are willing to murder for.
I thought there would never be a time in my life when I wouldn’t want to eat chocolate. Skittles proved me wrong.
I refuse to believe anyone in this world likes liquorice flavour, let alone in Skittles form.
I wonder if it tastes like a rainbow on the way out as well....?
The blues ones can be a real bitch.
For those times when your arse just isn’t spreading quick enough.
Probably not much fun for those of you with allergies.
There really is no excuse for this one, even if it is promoting Transformer II.
Bountys are one of the worst chocolate bars I’ve ever eaten, so I can only imagine how bad these things taste.
I wonder why these were a limited edition only….?
Crème de Cacao plus Frangelico makes for shit-facing deliciousness.
Voted third most likely beverage to fuck your shit up (after paint stripper and toilet cleaner).
Now with double the acid wear!
Expected to taste like Dr Pepper’s even dirtier, fouler-tasting cousin but was actually very delish.
Lemon sounded nice, lime just sounds like the coke version of spew.
Better options to Diet Coke – water, bleach and animal piss.
I drank this by mistake once. My taste buds still haven't forgiven me….
Time to give up on the citrus fruits people!
If you don’t hate yourself enough after drinking Vanilla Coke, try adding booze to it. 
